Thursday, September 22, 2005

+ Estelio han, Estelio han, Estelio veleth +

Arwen Evenstar Portrait
(as played by Liv Tyler)

By Ayo M.R (moi!)

Ú i vethed nâ i onnad
Si boe ú-dhanna
Ae ú-esteli, esteliach nad
Nâ boe ú i
Estelio han, estelio han, estelio
Estelio han, estelio veleth

"Evenstar" by Howard Shore
(in Sindarin)

Music: "Liberi Fatali" - Nobuo Uematsu - Final Fantasy VIII OST
(via Professor X's PC...tehehehe!)

Feeling very lethargic today.
Woke up at 7:00. And fell asleep again.
I feel like sleeping. That or bashing my head against the computer screen.

I want to go home to Middle Earth. heh. I want vast open fields, unspoilt forests, free environs...every time I read/watch LotR, I get homesick for reasons I can't explain.

WAAAH! I forgot to get my drawing book at Data Exchange!! I have to go and retrieve it tomorrow. (Saturday) *sigh*

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

The Blessed Nuttiness; That Fine Madness

The creator lives for his work. He needs no other men. His primary goal is within himself. ... The basic need of the creator is independence.

The reasoning mind cannot work under any form of compulsion. It cannot be curbed, sacrificed or subordinated to any consideration whatsoever. It demands total independence in function and in motive. To a creator, all relations with men are secondary.

Howard Roark in The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

Let us remember that only dead fish swim with the stream.

Be Absurd. Be Very Absurd. (tehehehe!)

On Eccentricity. I have long considered myself to be an 'eccentric' person. And a number of people have often described me as such. When I was younger, it really used to bother me. A lot. To the point that I even tried to 'normalize' myself. But I soon found out that denying my natural 'weirdness' made me extremely miserable. Must be the root of my, sort of,chronic depression.

I found myself to be slightly more 'advance' than my peers during elementary & high school. There's this teacher I had in Grade V who made it her hobby to lambast me for NOT being talkative or "friendly" ( I have four or five inner circle friends but most certainly not a FanClub). I used to just sit in a corner and read (or draw) or my fifth favourite activity "people watching". I like observing people, not interacting with them, just observing. And that, according to my dunce of a teacher, is not a "good" thing. Plus, I'm not really all into girly things, sure I played with dolls for a while (not for a very long time- got me bored), but I also like "baril-barilan" and robots. I'm a child of Shaider, Voltes V (re-runs), Ultraman, Magmanan, Masked Rider Black and "Maskuman" (music please - ..."matatag taga-pagtanggol ng inaapi...nahahandang mag-alay ng buhay...ang maskuman tanod ng kapayapaan...dapat nating tularan ang kagitingan, Laser Squadron Maskuman! Maskuman!) There! I still remember the tagalog lyrics of "Ai No Soldier". hehehehe....That's where I found my first kick-ass women idols (I liked Yellow Mask and Princess/Prince Igamu and Ani). Women who refused to be merely "eye-candy". They have spunk, intelligence and independence, and most of all, they couldn't care less about what other people would think. I admire women "warriors", they don't stand behind, but fight alongside men. No damsels-in-distress and not shrinking violets. A Brief List:
  • Eowyn, Shieldmaiden of Rohan (The Lord of The Rings)
  • Xena, Warrior Princess
  • Joan of Arc (I liked the portrayal of Joan on Luc Besson's "The Messenger")
  • Morgan Le Fey (Arthurian Legends)
  • Galadriel (The Lord of the Rings)
  • Arwen Evenstar (The Lord of the Rings - more on movie version)
  • (Sir) Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing (Hellsing) - oh yes, she's a woman but she's also a Knight.
  • Sidney Bristow (Alias)
  • Padme Amidala, Leia Organa - both Senators, diplomats and warriors (Star Wars Trilogies)
  • Jedi Knights Aayala Secura, Siri Tachi etc.. (Star Wars Trilogies)
  • Mara Jade-Skywalker - Emperor's Hand and later accomplished Jedi Knight - (Star Wars Expanded Universe)
  • Jane Eyre ("Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Bronte)
  • Dr. Aki Ross (Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within)
  • B'Elanna Torres, Captain Kathryn Janeway (Star Trek: Voyager)
  • Jessica Zafra (heh! one of my favourite writers, soon to be dominatrix of the universe!)
Anyway, back to my classroom experiences, incidents like that continued to occur during my school years.
And throughout my 20+ years of existence. But I was glad to have met like-minded individuals too. What I appreciated about them was that they never, not once, judged me. We, I would dare say, are proud to be who we are, bittersweet, with lots of nuts. :)


I remembered that line from JRR Tolkien's Lord of the Rings (pertaining to Eowyn) - book version-

“My friend, you had horses, and deeds of arms, and the free fields; but she, born in the body of a maid, had a spirit and courage at least the match of yours......But who knows what she spoke to the darkness, alone, in the bitter watches of the night, when all her life seemed shrinking, and the walls of her bower closing in about her, a hutch to trammel some wild thing in?”
- Gandalf to Eomer

On Creativity and "Treatment":

"I want to keep those sufferings," said expressionist artist Edvard Munch. When told he could end his cycle of psychiatric hospitalizations with available treatment, he replied that emotional torments "are part of me and my art. They are indistinguishable from me, and it would destroy my art." (11). As Jamison points out, many creative people are reluctant to be transformed by psychiatric treatment into "normal, well-adjusted, dampened, and bloodless souls" no longer moved to create.

From Creativity and Irrational Forces: Eccentric Artists and Mad Scientists by Laura Gosselink

Random Stuff I like:
  • Paranormal/Mysteries of the Unkown/Human Engineering (Atlantis/Human Experimentation/Human Genetic Engineering/Lost Civilizations/Quantum Physics - especially the nature of time - Time Travel)
  • Crime/Horror/Epic Stories
  • FrenchFries (severely addicted)
  • Exploring "nature Vs. nurture"
  • Psychology (various theories of human behaviour are endlessly fascinating)
  • Sci-Fi
  • Videogames (RPGs/Survival-Horror)
  • Death (*shrug*) - nature, implications, images
  • High Fantasy (you know, Dungeons and Dragons, witches and wizards)
  • H.R. Giger/Luis Royo
  • Darkness and the Nature of "Evil" (and the grey areas in between)
  • Iced Tea (heh!)
  • Classical/Rock Music
  • Vincent Van Gogh
  • Stephen King
  • Androgyny (I consider myself psychologically androgynous -and maybe physically too - I'm not a "girly" girl, wait, I have nothing against women/men who like to dress glamourously, I like looking and appreciating them - I just don't like the whole "dressing" up thing. It makes me feel "caged" - the reason I despise the uniform- In short, I like designing clothes, but not wearing them. I find having the characteristics and thinking patterns of both genders very beneficial - especially if you have to write stories.)
  • Unusual faces.
  • "Sisig", "Paa-ng-Manok" and "Bopis".
  • Coffee. (Black. Very Black)
  • "Bato" of Balut. (heh!)
  • Books
  • Star Wars/ Star Trek
  • Tori Amos
  • Knives/Swords/Guns/Artifacts/stuffed animals -taxidermy-/war masks (I'd like to have a collection when I'm financially capable - heh!)
Random Stuff I Don't Like:
  • Too much noise.
  • "Meaningless" (definition may vary) conversations.
  • Sheep masquerading as people (individuals who are not individuals)
  • People touching my head or any part of my face (my parents included).This is enough to warrant a fit of rage.
  • People touching me without my permission (especially people I don't know), gets me extremely irritated. I'm not the huggy type.
  • Touching and "barrowing" my things (works/collection) without permission. I am very particular with this. Anyone who attemps this will see "Hell".
  • Tinapa
  • The crowding of my "personal space" (which is very wide). That's why I hate crowds. Any place with a high concentration of people (such as concerts, parties and meetings) I try to avoid. Umm..I also do not like sharing the table when eating, if it was possible (just with people I'm comfortable with). Being with a large number of people leaves me feeling "zapped", tired and put out.
  • Bananas. I abhore bananas.
  • Telenovelas/Soap Operas. (I consider them "trash", sorry to say)
  • The color pink.
  • Overwhelming odours (never had a liking for perfumes and such, irritates my nose).
  • Make-up.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

sketchy thoughts

"So this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause."
Padme Amidala-Skywalker
Revenge of the Sith

My father found my "Panthograph" today! (been looking for it since high school; turned up under the old cabinet) Yey! Although I don't use it very often. Only when drawing two or more figures. I consider it "cheating" to simply trace the figures when drawing a portrait. :)

Decided to re-sketch the Padme-Rasta-Peacock gown. I'm on my 6th sketch! Gets a bit frustrating. But, I'm in a relatively good mood today, so, I think I got it right this time (hopefully). ;) The picture I'm talking about by the way, is a variation of the image above, very tricky shot. And the headress takes a lot of work. Added a "twin suns" background, too.

I bought a chocolate from the canteen today. Bella Chocolate. Horrendous taste! A waste of money.


Monday, September 19, 2005

+ The Principle of Equivalent Exchange +



"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one and only truth." - Alphonse Elric (Full Metal Alchemist)

Bah! How true!

In connection to the above statement, I have finally acquired the PC memory I've been asking about for about...uh...10 years. :0 But I've lost my Operating System (Win ME), I am now using Ubuntu (Linux For Dinosaurs -and Cave Men-).Bad, Savvy?

Anyway, I didn't go to work yesterday (Monday). I'm "sick". Right. I slept most of the day, and made some sketches (Amidala). It's a habit. I like "sleeping my problems away", for a while, before I seriously start finding solutions. It relieves the stress. Most of the time.

I still have the Ateneo Alumni website to work on. But I've got tons of related problems regarding my OS.

No. Seriously. I don't feel like going to work today. What I want to do, is sleep like Rip Van Winkle (for a hundred years). Hey, I wonder what my parents would do if started dragging my feet?

I'm tired. I feel tired almost all the time. Not to mention being increasingly put out day after day. Sometimes, I get the impression that my brains are coming off the top of my head. It's as if I'm "running on empty." In short, I feel like sh*t. What else? I have a migrane. typical.

I did Amidala (peacock/rasta-stargate gown) yesterday, as I have mentioned earlier. I had to revise the portrait twice, since her face was at a rather tricky angle. As it turned out, third time's a charm. I'm concentrating more on "sub-realism". I want that photographic,"grainy-look" perfected. I'll try to look for bristoll pencils, blending sticks and a larger sketch pad the next time I visit the National Bookstore.

I have worn the dreaded uniform today. Very itchy. Feels like thousand needles pricking the skin. But of course, you can't expect anyone to understand that.

Friday, September 16, 2005

You would think...of all the worst possible...predicaments?

"Not a pretty sight. All in His name."

Music: What music?! I've lost all my mp3 files! (along with my web projects, my other files) Well, not technically, they're still there. But what in tarnation?! They can't be accessed! So what's the use??? Thanks to that #@#$%! Ubuntu System!

This is my first double post. As I am totally pissed! Well, I suppose being 'pissed' would not change anything, eh? I have asked a few online friends for assistance. Maybe Teg or Sarc or Lord Tuvitor could help.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

+ Welcome back, Ms. Anderson. We missed you. +

"They're laying it on a bit thick, aren't they?"

Ah. The flippant mood seemed to have passed over. My two previous posts were leaden with an obvious amount of flippancy. As it would seem, I have no other choice but to follow the company procedures (I mean, technically, I do have a choice and that is "shape up or ship out" - but "ship out" isn't exactly what you would call a palatable "choice", is it?

Well, I suppose I could er...resign and work in a factory somewhere. I practically "aced" all the AMCOR tests including the interview (no kidding). There were 60 applicants and only three of us got through. I even trained for day (that was in AMCOR Paranaque), but I could not stand the "factory atmosphere", where people were treated and herded like machines (plus I could not bear the noise during lunch hour and sitting next to an imbecile talking about the latest "kilig" movie *eyes roll*). Places where individuality and free will were killed was something I am sure to loath. So, rather than accepting a job that has obviously higher benefits, in monetary terms (which really I couldn't care for much - the reason I often get lambasted at home - because I'm not a money person), I chose this job as a Web Developer because I think that it's where I would be able to use (and hopefully improve) my 'talents'. Being able to "create" something (no matter how minute) cancels out all other rewards (monetary included), but of course it would be much better if you could have both. :)


Actually, I consider this a "training ground". Perhaps one day (not far from now, as I have several other prospects), I would be able to work at companies like "Lucas Digital" or maybe "Dreamworks" or "Pixar" or "SquareSoft" (specializing mainly in computer graphics/character design - I believe I have the talent and the imagination). That's my ultimate dream, you know. Companies like those have the right atmosphere for people like myself (allowing creatives to dress - none of those coffin-wear formal uniforms - and decorate their "offices"/"cubicles" as they please). Of course to do that I must first leave the Philippines (like rats to a sinking ship :lol:), and that is a near possiblity *winks* I'm working on steadily. You could not imagine the happiness an artist feels when he/she sees his/her creation come to "life" or fruition. Better than anything, really.
So for now, I'm playing their game. ;) I'm having that itchy uniform tailored next week, when I get a cash advance (hopefully), along with repairs to our leaky roof (it's practically flooding in our house everytime it rains).

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

+ Why, Ms. Anderson? Why? +

Background Music: "See You Space Cowboy" - Mai Yamane
(Cowboy Bebop OST)

Rather dreary weather, making my disposition "dreary" as well.But...no. Not really.

My brother's selling our Playstation 1. I'm going to miss Squall, Quistis, Selphie, Zell, Matron Edea, Zidane...and The Garden, Fisherman's Horizon,Winhill...Lindblum (gets misty eyed).

Finished Arwen Undomiel. I carried the sketch book through the rain. lol. Will have it scanned maybe tomorrow (Friday).

I've had backaches since yesterday....ugh!
And suffering from a generally bad mood. Why? (*shrugs*)

And this is bad compared to the famine in Sudan and Somalia? Or the suicide bombings in Israel and Iraq?
(*cracks up*)

Agent Squirt: Why, Ms. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why not just be another unthinking drone? Why continue asserting your individuality? Why keep resisting? Why be a hard-headed bastard? Excuse the profanity, please.

You must be able to see it, Ms. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can't win. It's pointless to keep resisting. Why, Ms. Anderson? Why? Why do you persist?

Ms. Anderson: I'm a hard-headed bastard? Sorry, wasn't aware. Just got back from Mars. (*cracks up*)

That was from the opening scene of "Attack of the Stepford Employees". (lol - *cracks up*)

Monday, September 12, 2005

+ You have a problem with authority, Ms. Anderson. +

Background Music: "The Battle of the Heroes" by John Williams (RotS OST)
Current Mood: rather "sheep-ish"

Next Attraction: Attack of the Stepford Employees

"We are the Corp. Resistance is Futile."

Received "memo" because of:

  • Failure to attend regular monthly meetings.
  • Failure to attend weekly flag ceremony.
  • Not wearing the prescribed company uniform (gets kinda itchy, you know..). :p

"Subsequent offense will merit appropriate disciplinary action."

So, what's it gonna be then, eh? - Alex DeLarge (A Clockwork Orange)

Sunday, September 11, 2005

+The Anti-Hero's Dilemma+

Music: "Kesenai Tsumi" (Indelible Sin) - Nana Kitade
(Full Metal Alchemist)

Just some random thought that has been plaguing my mind since Saturday.

I practically grew up with books, all sorts of books, actually.Comic books feature quite prominently in this particular bit of "recollection". My father used to sell them (along with Time and Newsweek) when I was in elementary (and briefly during my high school years). Anyway, we (my brother & I) would open them (very carefully, and most of the time without my father's permission)before they were sent to subscribers and I would daresay that we learned quite a few things from them (and they are NOT "trash" as some literary snobs would claim).

My most favourite titles include Wolverine (Marvel), The Uncanny X-Men (Marvel), The Amazing Spiderman (Marvel), Avengers (Marvel), Ghost Rider (Marvel), Midnight Sons (series usually featuring Vengeance, The Caretaker, Ghost Rider and a fourth one I cannot remember), X-Force, X-Factor, Cable, Fantastic Four, The Silver Surfer (Marvel), Legends of the Dark Knight (DC), Batman (DC), Superman, Justice League (DC), The Flash (DC) as well as some titles from Dark Horse and Image. Oh, and "Eclipso"...that infinitely psychotic comic about a homicidal spirit from the dark side of the moon, who "possess" a chosen individual to do his decidedly gruesome work (dynamic story and neat artwork too!)

The point was that most western books (and japanese manga) usually feature anti-heroes or "flawed" heroes (in this respect we learned that people are multi-layered and complex, well, at least some people are!*smirk*) This is even more evident in Japanese manga (I believe the Western books followed suit - most of their characters 1960-ish were bland and one-dimensional - I remember watching Captain America and Fantastic Four re-runs on ABC - ugh!). So, how do we "define" anti-heroes? And what makes them so compelling? And why do I prefer them to the "Traditional Hero"?

According to Wikipedia:

In literature and film, an anti-hero is a central or supporting character that has some of the personality flaws traditionally assigned to villains or un-heroic people, but nonetheless also has enough heroic qualities, intentions, or type of strength to gain the sympathy of readers or viewers. Anti-heroes can be awkward, obnoxious, passive, pitiful, obtuse, or even normal; But they are always, in some fundamental way, flawed, unqualified, or failed heroes. Comic books feature anti-heroes (also known as "dark heroes") who are characters fighting for the side of good, but either with some tragic flaw (such as a tormented past), fighting for reasons that are not entirely altruistic (they may fight a villain due to a grudge or some other selfish motivation, with little or no regard for typical "heroic" motives), a non heroic character who is not evil, nor are they good, but find themselves fighting on the side of good due to circumstance, or a hero using questionable means to reach their goals. A good working definition of the anti-hero is a paradoxical character that is, within the context of a story, a hero but in another context could easily be seen as a villain, simply as unlikable, a normal person or coward.

The concept of the anti-hero is as old as literature itself with the main character of the Iliad, Achilles being a strong anti-hero. The presence of anti-heroes has blossomed recently, as there is a tendency of modern authors to present villains as complex, even sympathetic, characters whose motivations are not inherently evil and sometimes even good. The line, therefore, between an anti-hero and a villain is sometimes not clear.

Types

One type of anti-hero feels helpless, distrusts conventional values and is often unable to commit to any ideals, but they accept and often relish their status as outsiders. The cyberpunk genre makes extensive use of this character-type.

Another type of anti-hero is a character who constantly moves from one disappointment in their lives to the next, without end, with only occasional and fleeting successes. But they persist and even attain a form of heroic success by steadfastly never giving up or changing their goals. These characters often keep a deep-seated optimism that one day, they will succeed. But in the end they still meet the ultimate fate of a traditional villain, failure.

A third type of anti-hero is an individual with the same end goals as a traditional hero, but for whom "the ends justify the means." This character type is popular in comic books: for example by day Matt Murdock seeks to bring evil-doers to justice as a lawyer. But when the judicial system fails, he dons a mask and instead exacts revenge as Daredevil.

Examples (my own - although you can find plenty at Wiki):

Film & Television:

  • Shinomori Aoshi, Saito Hajime and to a different extent, Himura Kenshin (Rurouni Kenshin)
  • Zechs Merquise, Heero Yuy (Mobile War Chronicle Gundam Wing)
  • Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs, Red Dragon, Hannibal)
  • Angel (Angel Series)
  • Prince Igamu (Hikari Sentai Maskman)
  • Amuro Ray and to a different extent Char Aznable (MS Gundam)
  • Edward Elric, Roy Mustang (Full Metal Alchemist)
  • Killua Zaoldyeck, Leorio, Kurapika and to a different extent Lucifer Quoll, Ilumi Zaoldyeck and Hyskoa (HunterXHunter)
  • Spike Spiegel, Faye Valentine (Cowboy Bebop)
  • Sgt. Todd (Soldier)
  • Hellboy (Hellboy)
  • John Constantine (Constantine)
  • Spawn (Spawn)
  • Magneto (X-Men Movies)
  • Han Solo and to a different extent, Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader (Star Wars Trilogies)
  • Seven-of-Nine and to a different extent, Q (Star Trek)
  • Sol Zagato (Magic Knight Rayearth)
  • Ashram, the Black Knight and to a different extent Karla, the Grey Witch (The Record of Lodoss War)
  • Folken Fanel (Vision of Escaflowne)
  • Nathan Algren (The Last Samurai)
  • Shinji Ikari and to a different extent, Gendou Ikari (Neon Genesis Evangelion)
  • Major Motoko Kusanagi (Ghost In the Shell)
  • Fujimiya Aya, Koduo Yoji (Weiss Kreuz)
  • Edward Scissorhands
  • Riddick (Pitch Black/Chronicles of Riddick)
  • Nicholas Wolfwood (Trigun)
  • Alucard and to a different extent, Integral Wingates Hellsing (Hellsing)

Literature (assorted):

  • Alex (A Clockwork Orange) - Anthony Burgess
  • Lestat de Lioncourt (The Vampire Chronicles) - Anne Rice
  • Severus Snape (Harry Potter Books) - J.K. Rowling
  • The Last Gunslinger (Dark Tower Series) - Stephen King
  • Oskar Schindler (Schindler's List) - Thomas Keneally (non-fiction)
  • Dracula (Dracula) - Bram Stoker
  • Stevens (The Remains of the Day) - Kazuo Ishiguro
  • Nakago/Ayuru Gi (Seiran Den) - Watase Yu
  • Eric Stahl (A Cold Heart) - Jonathan Kellerman
  • Gollum (The Lord of theRings) - J.R.R. Tolkien
  • Dan Ketch/Ghost Rider - Ghost Rider Comics (Marvel)
  • Frank Castle/The Punisher - The Punisher Comics (Marvel)
  • Jean-Paul Valley/Azrael - Azrael, the Avenging Angel Comics (DC)
  • John Constantine - Hellblazer Comics (DC Vertigo)

Games:

  • Squall Leonhart and to a different extent, Edea Kramer (Final Fantasy VIII)
  • Zidane Tribal and to a different extent, Kuja (Final Fantasy IX)
  • Vincent Valentine and to a different extent, Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII)
  • Kyle Madigan (Parasite Eve II)

Friday, September 09, 2005

+According to...I'm Reserved+

Background Music: "Pet Sematary" by The Ramones

I take Personality Tests once in a while. I'm very interested in psychology and read a lot of Jung and Freud. Although I prefer Jung (especially his "archtypes" theory), Freud gets a bit "irrational". Anyway, I found this at CultureCity.org. Quite interesting.

Your personality type is RCUEI
You are reserved, moderately calm, unstructured, moderately egocentric, and intellectual, and may prefer a city which matches those traits.

The largest representation of your personality type can be found in the these U.S. cities: Reno, Tucson, New Orleans, Norfolk, Austin, Washington DC, Albuquerque/Santa Fe, Portland/Salem, Greenville/Spartanburg, Minneapolis, Denver, St. Louis and these international countries/regions Iceland, Greece, Argentina, Czech Republic, Belgium, Kazakhstan, Poland, Netherlands, Spain, Croatia, Sweden, Slovenia, Norway, Hungary, Indonesia

Here's what they say about the Reserved Personality Type:
- my comments in the "( )" -
  • outsider
  • does not fit in most places (the square pegs on round holes, anything new?)
  • does not mind going days without speaking to people (so very true, as long as I have a good book to read or an artwork to finish, or anything I am "obsessed" with)
  • does not like night life and crowds (right, crowds make me dizzy)
  • not self expressive (well, yeah... I am aware about how I feel, I just don't see the point in disclosing it to people I don't give a rat's ass about.)
  • spends more time in solitary activity than group activity (yeah...er...true)
  • does not compete for the spotlight (I'd rather be the "power-behind-the-throne"...much more fun)
  • fears getting involved with others
  • not seductive (and what, pray tell, would be the point??)
  • dresses to avoid standing out
  • not impulsive (not true for me, I get very impulsive at times)
  • loner
  • female introverts tend not to like wearing makeup
  • does not enjoy leadership (depends on the type of leadership, I'd rather be the "King-Maker" than the King himself...ever heard of "The Puppet Master"?)
  • not very sexual
  • more likely to be nerdy (lol)
  • prefers loose fitting clothing
  • inhibited
  • suspicious (eyes dart)
  • tattoo averse
  • unmotivated (not so for me, you'll never be able to do anything at all...er..)
  • can't do anything when they don't feel good (a bit true, I'm very sloppy when depressed, hyper when obssessed)
  • has trouble speaking when emotional (yeah, I prefer pulling punches than yelling, although I yell from time to time - very tiring afterwards)
  • dislikes compliments (depends on the giver's sincerity)
  • desires security and support
  • does not like accepting help
  • more visual than verbal (so true)
  • does not want to be famous (not really, depends on what I'll be famous for)
  • likes science fiction (right on! - "reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction." - lol)
  • prefers to stick with things they know
  • not traditional

Mostly true for me. :)

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

+ The Un-usual Things +

Background Music: "Evenstar" by Howard Shore

The lyrics to The Ramones' Pet Sematary keeps getting stuck in my head. Especially the chorus, which goes like this: "I don't want to be buried in a pet sematary. I don't want to live my life again." I know I've heard them somewhere. I just couldn't remember where!

I've been sleep-talking again last night. And as usual, I was in a state of "displeasure". My mother said I was talking very rapidly, so it was impossible for her to catch what I was saying. All she knows for sure was that I'm stark-raving mad. Funny thing was I could NOT recall having a dream. Maybe I should keep a tape recorder beside me. Just in case, so I can finally figure out what the hell was I talking about!

Moving on. I have started another project last night. While watching the news (the impeachment complaint was "trashed" etc. - it's getting really tiring. And especially annoying when the politicians would say "ang gusto ng sambayanan..." -what the people want-....as if they really care. What the people WANT was to put food on the table, send their kids to school...not another "EDSA"...what were the elections for anyway?! - maybe I'm being naive...but, the hell. Those were the very same politicians who drive luxury cars and live in gigantic mansions -most of them anyway.)

*Clears throat*. As I have said. I started another project. I had this compulsion to draw something new. In this case, Arwen from The Lord of the Rings. Even though I've got other unfinished drawings. Let's see, my works in progress include:

  • John Hartigan (Sin City) as played by Bruce Willis - got the face and half the coat, which is mostly black. The hard part was the background, which consists of raindrops and some buildings. The atmosphere was generally dark, which I love, but unfortunately takes a lot of patience to finish. But I will, look at Nancy Callahan - although I made some adjustments on the background.
  • Asuka Langley Sohryou (NGE) - Got the face and half the hair (right side only). Her hair was pretty detailed as my reference picture was Yoshiyuki Sadamoto's (love his drawings to no end). But still the easiest. She's an anime character.
  • Anakin Skywalker (RotS) - Will finish this eventually. I'm stalling because the hair (again) was such a pain to draw, as well as the Jedi attire.
  • Edward Scissorhands & Kim Bogs - been rotting in my cabinet for a long time. I'm going to re-draw this one. Nothing wrong with it really. I just got bored with it.
  • Arwen Undomiel (LotR) - started this last night.Will have to finish this. Really? Really.

So you see, I'm good at starting things -most of the time- but I have to really push myself to finish them, because I get easily bored. I have a cross-stitching project rotting away in my closet for three years now. It's an "Ice Angel". I have also 3 books which I haven't finished reading (and yet I bought another one). Frustrating sometimes. What else? A painting and a comic book project collecting dust in my "warehouse". tsk. tsk.

The antithesis of that was, when I set myself into finishing something, it borders on "obssesion" and it's not good either. I remember last time I set my sights into finishing "Final Fantasy VIII" (PS 1 RPG game) I did not take a bath for um... one and a half weeks (thankfully it's school vacation - otherwise...), I hardly slept, imagine playing until five in the morning (the level-upping was especially addictive), sleeping for maybe 2 hours, waking up then playing again for a WHOLE day (that's how it went for one and a half weeks!) and no eating either (unless I was yelled at). The game was 4 disks long. I spent maybe 300+ hours on it. That's the reason I decided to stay away from Tantra, Khan and Ragnarok. ;)

The same principle applies with when I draw. And well, pretty much anything I decide to do.:)

Just Soundtripping

Nothing special going on really. So technically this post is "senseless". Who says every post must make sense?? Just ask my fellow Phatters. :)

Just soundtripping. This song could be considered as a "Psycopath's Theme". Kind of reminded me of Vicious (Bebop) and HP's Voldemort and every other "villainous bastard" :D. I think the lyrics were great. Although the tune gets a bit repeatitive (not that's a bad thing).

Wut will nicht sterben (Rage Doesn't Want to Die)
- Rammstein


Unofficial Translation ©2003 Jeremy Williams.

Tell me how far you want to go
do you want to see him on the floor - Yes
do you want him to kneel before you
do you want him to beg for mercy

Thoughts of vengeance whipped from humility
you don't see or hear anything
your sick feelings
don't give him a chance
your rage does not want to die
and only that keeps you alive

You can, you want and will never forgive
and you condemn his life
you drift in the insanity from
excessive anger, destruction and vengeance,
you were born to hate

My rage does not want to die
my rage does not want to die
my rage will never die

You ram your hatred like a stone
into him Ramming stone -
you have pursued, hunted, and cursed him
and he has taken his heels, crawling


Was watching "Saving Private Ryan" last night. The first parts (the Dog Beach landing) were riddled with black humour. At one point the medic was shouting "We stopped the bleeding!" but then a bullet zings the wounded soldier on the head, killing him instantly. eh?

But the other parts were deeply unsettling. Especially the "introspective" shots (Tom Hanks' character "taking it in"), soundless, gritty and slow motion. Gets the point across.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

I am a Geek??!

Music: "Not Meant For Me" by Static-X
Reading: "Dark Side of the Moon" by Jean Farwiq - it's a fanfiction, but an exceptionally good one.

"...it's plain to see...that you want me to fall...it's killing me...let's see....you've got the gall....the jury is coming...coming to tear me apart...all this bitching and moaning...I'm trapped in this world..that's not meant for me...." - Not Meant For Me (Queen of the Damned OST)

Singing along with The Vampire Lestat last Sunday (with fellow weirdoes - otherwise known as my bestfriends). Our sentiments exactly. ;)

I suddenly remembered. I'm a geek. Eek! You got that feeling. Always off balance with something. Questioning everything. Seeing things you are not "supposed" to see. I've had few chances to meet semi like-minded individuals (my current bestfriends). Sometimes I get annoyed by their occasional shallowness. But that could be tolerated. Our friendship was -is- based on "vibes". That's how I normaly choose friends. If my intuition tells me "this person is worthy" (and it's rarely wrong)...I go for it. But if not, I avoid the person like the plague. Especially if I detect a hint of duplicity. It's the same with them. Most of the time we don't even need to talk, just the "look", and we know what each other was thinking.

Last, last week, sitting with them at "Parasite Eve Alley" (the back of the One-Stop shop), we were discussing whether God created Man or was it the other way around? I'm inclined to believe the latter.

Anyway, just read the "Old Testament" and you'll see how "moody" and "irrational" Yahweh could be. Very evident on Moses' Journey to the Promised Land. *wink*

If God does exist, like the Bible says...we are created in His image...so God must not be the benevolent, loving entity we believe Him to be, not all the time anyway. I think he's got a nasty sense of humour and a liking for irony, too. Another quote from The Green Mile: "if bad things happen, God lets it happen...and when we say, 'I don't understand', God replies, 'I don't care'" and "The Mothman Prophecies" : "you are more advanced than a cockroach, ever tried explaining yourself to one of them?"

The Buddists got their "model" of God right. Instead of two separate entities (one good, one evil), they "merged" the image. One cannot exist without the other. How will you be able to tell what is "good" if you don't know what's "evil"? Can't take the Yin and still have the Yang, can you??

And besides, the world is not divided between good and evil people. That kind of narrow-minded thinking sickens me.

Out for now.

Monday, September 05, 2005

you got 'zinged' and other random thoughts

Background Music: Mein Herz brennt - Rammstein

Trip to SM Lucena

Went to Lucena with two bestfriends last Saturday (Sept. 03). Decided to tag along at the last minute. I wanted to canvas for book prices at National Bookstore. Some books I "marked":
  • The Dark Tower Series (Stephen King) - I was ovejoyed and nearly keeled over when I found out that they've got DT III, IV and V. Been looking for them last, last year.
  • Neverwhere / American Gods (Neil Gaiman)
  • Dracula (Bram Stoker) - I have the PDF version but I want it officially on my collection.
  • Blood & Gold / Memnoch the Devil (Anne Rice) - I found them mildly interesting.
  • The Da Vinci Code / Angels and Demons (Dan Brown) - very interesting but I'd rather "download" it!

I also convinced my friend Dona to buy "The Green Mile" by Stephen King. Practically "demonized" (our term for relentless persuasion techniques) her into buying it. Speaking of "The Mile". I re-read the end parts last night and couldn't help myself, so I made an impromptu illustration of the last passage (which also happened to be my favourite):

"Sometimes I doze and I see that underpass in the rain, with John Coffey standing beneath it in the shadows. It's never just a trick of the eye in these little dreams; it's always him for sure, my big boy, just standing there and watching.

I think about my Janice, how I lost her. How she ran away red through my fingers in the rain and I wait. We each owe a death, there are no exceptions, I know that. But sometimes, oh God, the green mile is so long."

No pre-sketch. Just plain marker. I was in a frenzy.:D

Rammstein Music

I'm in "love" with their music. They've got it perfectly. A combination of haunting orchestral tunes and raging guitars. And the lyrics...just perfect! None of the annoying sacharrine-sweetness found in most "hit" songs. My most favourite tunes include: "Sonne" (sun), "Ich Will" (I want), "Spieluhr" (Music Box), "Morgenstern" (morning star), "Feur Frei" (Fire at Will!). "Du Hast" (You Have...could also be You Hate) and many others. Their music has an air of "predictable unpredictability". You know, starts soft and haunting, then gets all loud and angsty and back again at unpredictable intervals. Sort of a "schizophrenic" flow...(wahahaha!) What other songs were like that? Ummm... Sa Yuri's "Light and Darkness" and "Garden of Eden" by Bridge (very evident in the chorus), Metallica's "Unforgiven" and "Forsaken" by Disturbed were all I could think of for now as they're at the bottom of my playlist.

You Got Zinged!

I was answering our "Seven Habits" workbook and these particular questions jumped off the page.

What are you unhappy about or frustrated by? For example, do you feel powerless, hopeless, or used? Describe the situation.

Is you language more proactive or reactive?

Powerless? Nope. I actually feel quite powerful in the sense that I can "translate" my thoughts through my art. Hopeless? Not entirely (depends on my depressive cycle). Used? used? Not so. But I don't feel "in heaven" either! But what?!

My language & thought patterns could be described as "slightly on the sarcastic side" (I'm channeling Professor Snape most of the time). I suppose it belongs on the reactive category as you are NOT supposed to "snipe at" and "zing" everyone. But I'm not "zinging" everyone per se. Just the few unfortunate souls who got on my wrong side (these days I just bite my tongue and keep quiet or "edit" my words, because when I speak my mind in it's undiluted form... it usually has some "unpleasant" result). Errrr....that's not right either, I know! (the way this book narrates, you are supposed to come out an angel afterwards...?) But, hey sarcasm is fun. Except for the "target". :)

Describe the situation. It's not a situation really. It's something entirely elusive. It's like groping on thin air. You know it's there but can't identify it. It's everywhere and nowhere; everything and nothing. Hmmm...existential reasons? What existential reasons??! Go ask Van Gogh!

Thursday, September 01, 2005

random thoughts

Music: Spieluhr (Music Box) - Rammstein

"Buy Filipino" -

"Tangkilikin ang Sariling Atin". With Filipino food I have no problem doing just that :). About other things like music (especially that), tv shows and films, I'm not too sure.

Music - I don't know. Maybe I need more research, but our current offerings (bands, artists & songs) cannot seem to satisfy. I mean, why listen to songs which you can't relate to?? That's the whole point of listening right??

Most songs are distastefully love-centric (meaning the theme was handled in such an obvious manner). Which as my friend said, "nakaka-pangati na" (meaning = repulsive). Hmmm. The latest I happened to somewhat like were "Stay" by Cueshe (only the tune), "Same Ground" by Kitchie Nadal (her only "saving grace" after that dreadful "hit" of hers) and "Garden of Eden" by Bridge (browsed their site and that's the only one I loved...so far) of Eraserheads, Parokya, Siakol, Rivermaya etc... Especially E-heads. Loved their songs, mostly the not so popular ones. Not necessarily the band. I'm not into collecting posters, attending concerts and stuff like that. Just the songs. That's more than enough.

Anyway, I'm looking for something more than what's currently playing. I'm not exactly sure how to phrase it. More "depth", maybe?? Hmmm...More "brooding" tones and messages. Hey, I'll admit it I'm more of an "angst 'n darkness" person so...hell, I find beauty in the grotesque and light in the darkness (poetic?). Dark Star is to Midnight Sun! Arakkis...Dune... (eyes glaze)....enough!

Back on Earth. I'm looking for the Filipino equivalent of Rammstein (German Metal Band - very haunting tunes - wohohoh!), Black Sabbath, Brorder Daniel, KMFDM, Radiohead etc...it's frustrating that I have to search elsewere (I've recently "discovered" a Polish band - good for my taste)!

But I'm not all into Metal and Rock. I have a pretty eclectic taste. Classical, Jazz, and hell...even Opera-type tunes. A combination's even better! Let me put it this way, Metal & Rock for angsty moods, Classical-ish for more placid ones. The only ones I avoid are the "now that i have found you" , "you're still the one" types (if you get my meaning). Makes my skin crawl.

But of course, I'm quite aware that the Philippine music industry does not exist to satisfy me! :D Too bad?

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

*Pffft...* Pfft!!*

Music: "Head Like A Hole" - Nine Inch Nails
Reading: "Survival of the Fittest" - J. Kellerman

Still in a very sour mood. I have yet to identify the source of my annoyance.

Hmm. Could it be? A little experiment backfired a few days ago. The concept hadn't been as original as I first thought. I have to start all over again. Grr. Got me exceedingly riled up!

People walking S-l-o-w-l-y
What 's up with people like that??! It has been a habit to walk on the way home (or even going to work). The fare keeps getting unreasonably high. But what I cannot stand are those who walk as if they were at the park, enjoying the view! What's to enjoy, anyway?! Don't tell me they appreciate the "beauty" of the Banadero Bridge, or the garbage pile across the SSS building! I have to resist the urge to tap the offender and say: "Are you planning on moving faster anytime THIS century???!"

People talking in "unreasonable volumes" (especially in public places)
Noise pollution. Another thing that gets my temper up. Don't they have manners??

Annoyed...

Music: "Melissa" by Porno Graffitti

I'm annoyed. That's not exactly new, is it?? I'm always out of sorts about one thing or another. But today I'm feeling exceptionally cross!!!

Want to know why? No. You don't want to know why, I tell you. You really don't.

Just submitted another work at DA. Not entirely satisfied with it. I'm losing my touch, I think. Again. That's one of the reasons I'm annoyed. But that is a tiny bit of detail.

Another reason might be is lack of sleep. Insomnia.

Been "sleep-talking" again for two nights in a row. My mother says I'm angry with someone in both cases. The only thing she caught was "Bwiset!" as I am talking rapidly. I can't remember having a dream though!

I'm also hungry. Although I ate something.

Maybe I need to play PS again this weekend. I might be able to release the "rage" by playing Resident Evil or Medal of Honor again. I just need to shoot something!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

beam me up, scotty....

Music: "Taiyou Wa Yoru Mo Kagayaku"
(the sun shines at midnight) by WINO


- As it turned out, the only reason to see "The Cave" (for me, anyway) was Cole Hauser (that guy from Pitch Black - William Johns) and nothing else. The story was dreadful (at least, not Troll). The characters, if you could call them that, were paper thin to the nth power (like some "real" people I know). Not good at all. Period.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Go home...re-think your life!

Music: Call Me, Call Me - Steve Conte (Cowboy Bebop OST)
Last Movie Seen: The Mothman Prophecies

Quote of the moment: "I'm a dishonest man. And a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you have to watch out for, you can never tell when they're going to do something incredibly...stupid."

Nothing in particular. Just some random weirdness.

- Last, last week, I almost told the tricycle driver to "Ctrl C!" instead of the customary "Para!". My mind was a bit jumbled, I suppose. A surprise layouting project came up and I was on the side of "hyper-focusing" as I'm busy trying to figure out the printing margins (*my body was on auto-pilot during times like that, and I don't really notice my surroundings*). The words were at the tip of my tongue! Imagine the look on the driver's face if I had said, "Mama! Ctrl C!" :P He might think I'm a loon or something (and he most certainly will).

- Last, last month (i think). A very, very, very annoying customer had the misfortune of ending up here in our office. I struggled mightily to get my temper under control, not to mention a compulsion to wave my hand in a very Jedi-like manner and say..."you want to go home and re-think your life"... or at least "..and retrieve your wits". Also, constantly reminding myself that I must NOT turn to the dark side! (however appealing the idea was at that time) Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hatred. Hatred leads to suffering....Annoying people leads to headaches...headaches lead to the dark side....

- My mom and I were discussing wedding customs from various provinces (particularly Quezon and Nueva Ecija) last Saturday. Some were downright funny and....weird.
Nueva Ecija - after the formal wedding rights, the bride and groom must "outrun" each other on their way out of the church! (imagine turning your wedding day into Gran Tourismo F1 Racing) This is to ensure that the winner will not fall into the "dependent partner" category (aka "under da saya/pantalon" - whack! cleanse your thoughts!you...you...).
Quezon Province - during the "discussion-of-wedding-arrangements" aka "Bulungan", the family of the bride must "steal" (well, not really, since the stolen object will be returned after the wedding) something from the family of the groom. So that the newly weds will have a harmonious (sp?) relationship? Not a good sign, don't you think??

- Currently developing another comic book story. No title yet. But I've got the initial ideas. I got inspired even more while watching "Cowboy Bebop". Unconventional story telling. Surrealism. Subtle hints. Tragedy. Irony. Along the lines of "Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds". Of course, it will have touches of Frank Miller and a dash of Quentin Tarantino. With a bit of Stanley Kubrick. :D

- Lastly, the word was "demure". Yes, probably. If demure was a word used to describe the behaviour of TROLLS and OGRES (No. Not Shrek-ogre, but Ogre-ogre!)

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: Ramblings

The last of transfers. Also check out my deviantart account. Obssessed with HP.


EDIT:

Had Snape decided not to kill Dumbledore, he would have died. As he made an "Unbreakable Vow" (must fullfill ALL the clauses...or else) with Narcissa Malfoy. Putting my theory aside, it would have meant that Snape simply chose his life over Dumbledore's (the Headmaster was wandless and probably dying then because of drinking god-knows-what from that cave), quite a "heartless" choice, but the most logical *if you catch my meaning*. Snape is one of the most brilliant minds in the series, probably surpassing even Dumbledore and Voldemort. He actually reminds me of Karla the Grey Witch from The Record of Lodoss War. Neither belonging to the light or the darkness, just concerned with maintaining balance between the two.

And who the hell was R.A.B.??? My Guess would be Regulus Black.

Oh, I also liked the bits with Luna Lovegood. I like Luna's character, kind of reminds me of myself when I was younger (and even until now). That part with her being the commentator for the Quidditch match was positively hilarious. "Loser's Lurgy"! :lol:

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just finished reading Half-Blood Prince. The sixth book undoubtedly cleared some issues, particularly those frequently discussed in fandom, some silly examples:

-Harry paired with...everyone else (yes, that includes Remus Lupin to Grawp the Giant). It's now officially Ginny.

-Hermione paired with...everyone else (including Severus Snape! - aack! eeek! and to the side of, ummmmm...NO!!- funny how and where these people get their ideas!). Now we know that it is Ron.

But left some really interesting questions (which I hope will be answered on Book Seven). Like the loyalty of Severus Snape. Just some thought, when Dumbledore said, "Please...Severus..." was he asking Snape to kill him? Or was it the obvious, pleading Snape NOT to kill him? And what about that Phoenix-like phenomena during the funeral? Is Albus Dumbledore really gone? (we know he's physically gone, but what about?). But then maybe, like Harry, I cannot simply accept the fact one of the greatest wizards of all time was gone and that Albus made a terrible mistake of trusting Snape (after all he's only human, wizard or not).

Back to my first theory. Why would Dumbledore ask for something like that? First, as a sort of a final, grand lesson for Harry. At the last part of HBP, Harry realized that he can't forever depend on other people to protect him from Voldemort. Like the book said "the last of his great protectors were gone". On OotP (Order of the Pheonix), JK Rowling gave light to the fact that Harry's "protectors" were also like him...human. Starting with the attack on Professor McGonagall (which left her on the Infirmary for days), the general helplessness everyone else felt when Dolores Umbridge (a very loathsome character indeed!) and the Ministry of Magic took over because Dumbledore was in hiding (after false accusations of inventing false accusations - you know, he sided with Harry while everyone else thinks that the-boy-who-lived has gone quite mad)!

Anyway, back to Snape (I keep getting derailed), it's still very difficult to judge, much more hate him. Given the context of his childhood (there are plenty of clues), abusive muggle father, apparently weak pure-blood mother, bullied at school, the list could go on. Actually, like the book mentioned, Snape has a lot of similarity to Voldemort. But what about Harry? He was abused and neglected as a child (though not as worse compared to the previous two), but still managed to show fairness (even to those who don't deserve it, like Peter Pettigrew), rationale, compassion and kindness? Although he loses it occasionally. How far does one person's experience influence his/her choices in life?

And what about innate personality characteristics and family background? Tom Riddle showed an alarming lack of conscience even at such a young age. He actually reminded me of "The Poisoner...", an article about a young psychopath (he started misdeeds at the tender age of 7! -and yes, his family was perfectly normal) I've read at CrimeLibrary.com, it goes like this, the psycopath's sister told him that perhaps he should go out more and meet friends, and here was his answer: "Nothing like that would help. You see, there is a terrible coldness inside me." It was both chilling and sad. When asked if he felt remorse for his victims (including his family), he replied. "No. I would be a hypocrite if I said yes. What I feel is in the emptiness of my soul." See? Even the person was aware that something is missing inside him. That must be the case with Voldemort. He never had friends because he didn't feel the need for them. And no amount of counseling and coaxing would make him change. He was a person literally born "without a soul". And don't forget the history of mental illness in his mother's family (a result of in-breeding). Like psycopaths, he can only "imitate" human feeling (and believe me true psychos are extremely good at this), and there is no use telling him that whatever he's doing is wrong, because he doesn't and won't understand. Ever. What I'm talking about are extremely rare cases. Most are still treatable.

Ah! derailed once more! Back to Snape, I'd rather believe him to be on Dumbledore's side. But of course, there's always the possiblity that he was nothing more than a selfish coward (but then, that place was currently occupied by Peter Pettigrew). He's extremely skilled in Occlumency. And what about this Snape-Lily connection I read on many fandoms?? Remember, Snape never passed off a chance to throw insults at Harry, particularly about his father. But not one about Harry's mother?? I find that a bit off. And then there was Snape arguing with Dumbledore a few nights before the Tower Fisaco.

And about the matter of him helping Narcissa Malfoy. Again, I suppose it goes back to Snape's troubled childhood. I actually like Severus Snape because he is a morally ambiguous (sp?) character.

HBP Bits I liked best (because i loved the book):

-Fleur still determined to marry Bill, even after he was attacked by Fenrir Greyback (which left the eldest Weasly less...desirable -physically-).
-Tonks never took a liking for Sirius after all, it was in fact, Remus Lupin! (who would have guessed!?)
-All the Ron-Hermione, Harry-Ginny bits. I found them all very amusing.
-All of Harry's lessons with Dumbledore. Especially all the explanations about Voldemort's differences and similarities with Harry. I got a bit teary eyed. *shame*
-All the "Ron-was-poisoned" scenes.
-Ron and Hermione's decision to stick with Harry even if he decides to leave Hogwarts to hunt for the remaining Horcruxes.

And to address a fan's comment about how Harry was less sad about Dumbledore's passing, than about Sirius; I disagree. Just because someone isn't moaning and screaming that doesn't mean that he/she isn't deeply affected. Besides I don't think a man such as Dumbledore would have liked that. A few words before signing-off: *blubber, oddment, tweak*.