"Million Dollar Baby" - Big Girls Don't Cry

"All right. I'm gonna disconnect your air machine, then you're gonna go to sleep. Then I'll give you a shot, and you'll... stay asleep. Mo cuishle means "My darling, my blood." "
Frank to Maggie (last heart rending scene)

Rented "Million Dollar Baby" last night. Turned out to be a real jewel. The film "explains" why it got Four (4) - Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actress, and Best Supporting Actor- Academy Awards.

So I'll attempt to write a review. Attempt, because usually, my so-called reviews turn out to be "blurbs" and "disjointed" thoughts. Whatever. Here goes nothing.

Rating: 4 stars out of 4

Cast:
Clint Eastwood, Hilary Swank and Morgan Freeman
Directed by Clint Eastwood

Synopsis: (yahoomovies)
In the wake of a painful estrangement from his daughter, boxing trainer Frankie Dunn has been unwilling to let himself get close to anyone for a very long time--then Maggie Fitzgerald walks into his gym. In a life of constant struggle, Maggie's gotten herself this far on raw talent, unshakable focus and a tremendous force of will. But more than anything, she wants someone to believe in her. The last thing Frankie needs is that kind of responsibility-- let alone that kind of risk--but won over by Maggie's sheer determination, he begrudgingly agrees to take her on. In turns exasperating and inspiring each other, the two come to discover that they share a common spirit that transcends the pain and loss of their pasts, and they find in each other a sense of family they lost long ago. Yet, they both face a battle that will demand more heart and courage than any they've ever known.


Review: (got spoilers)

I thought I'd be watching just another "boxing movie". You know how it is, rookie trains, loses, gets hurt, recovers, makes a comeback, kicks the rival's ass, gets the girl and everybody comes out happy. If you've seen all the Rocky Movies, you definitely know what I'm talking about. Call it Rocky-female-version. But I was wrong. Dead wrong. And I'm happy about it. :)

"I don't train girls.", that's what Frank "Frankie" Dunn (Clint Eastwood) told Margaret "Maggie" Fitzgerald when the latter asked if the veteran boxing trainor could take her under his wing. But Maggie's dogged determination eventually won him over (she comes to the gym everyday - because she paid 6 months of membership Frank can't just toss her away- , practices even if Frank and everyone else just mostly ignore her.) Maggie comes from a poor white trash background, she works as a waitress during the day to support herself (her family by the way, was a bunch of parasites - her mother, brother, and sister were all Welfare dependent freaks with very repulsive attitudes - very evident when Maggie was paralyzed, - her mother once told her "everybody talks about what you do -being a woman boxer- and they laugh. Go find yourself a man. Live proper." Live proper! Ha!). She's a very determined person - took to eating customer leftovers to save what meager income she has.

Frank on the other hand is, at first glance, an abrasive, grouchy and generally unpleasant man (given to bouts of sarcasm ad pessimism). He goes to church every week - yet does nothing but argue with the priest about wether or not God exists.heh. He' also estranged from his daughter (he writes her, but the letters always come back everytime.) But of course there is more to Frank than meets the eye. (again evident when Maggie was paralyzed - from the neck down- after the championship fight and the way he treats her even before the incident - very sweet -.)

Anyway, like I said, Frank finally agrees to train Maggie , after much persuation from various sources - most notably Eddie "Scrap-Iron" Dupris (Morgan Freeman), former boxing champ-now Gym maintenance after losing his eye on a fight - then left to rot away by his manager. Frank's friend and "conscience" .

Maggie and Frank had a father-daughter, mentor-student relationship.

...to be continued...

+ Journey into the Grey Heavens +

Lay down your sweet and weary head.

Night is falling. You’ve come to journey's end.

Sleep now and dream of the ones who came before.

They are calling from across the distant shore...

..Hope fades into the world of night.

Through shadows falling out of memory and time.

..And all will turn to silver glass.

A light on the water, all souls pass...

..The ships have come to carry you home.

Grey ships pass into the west...

-Into the West

(Annie Lennox )

the return of the king

Some Random Jabs and The "Randal Graves" Decision

Music: FITHOS LUSEC WECOS VINOSEC - Final Fantasy VIII OSTAsphodel - memorial sorrow; my regrets follow you to the grave.

I have decided to adopt the life view of Randal Graves (some of his life views anyway, excluding the more "extreme" ones), in light of recent experiences. I have decided to never again set foot on "Klendathu" where "bugs" abound. I bet even veteran MI Johnny Rico (and friends) will have trouble taking these guys out. (feh!)

I was just thinking, and I've been thinking about this for a very long time; what if I decided to just forgo all my "worldly" responsibilities and concentrate on my creative talents, like perhaps, Vincent Van Gogh or reclusive poet Emily Dickenson? What if I stopped going to work or paying my bills? Paint and draw non-stop instead, like I've always wanted? What if I decided to "break" these "chains" and be free?? Perhaps only then would I be truly happy? Maybe. I believe so.

....But I could have told you Vincent, this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you...

Anyway, it's always back to "reality" (however dreadful it may be).

I'm in a bad disposition today, courtesy of the "Velociraptor".

Your Journey Terminates Here

Might see a movie next Saturday. Creep, starring Franka Potente - now showing -. Just a generic slasher flick, but...the hell.

"Liberi Fatali" and other thoughts

Music: "Vide Cor Meum" - Hannibal OST

"...Lowlifes."

"...Shameless filthy wretches."

"How you celebrate my ascension with such joy."

"Hailing the very one whom you have condemned for generations."

"Have you no shame?"

"What happened to the evil, ruthless sorceress from your fantasies?"

"The cold-blooded tyrant that slaughtered countless men and destroyed many nations?"

"Where is she now?"

"She stands before your very eyes to become your new ruler.

Sorceress Edea (Ultimecia) - Final Fantasy VIII

-during her ascencion speech on Deling City, Galbadia-

I miss FFVIII. Might play tomorrow. Haven't played the game for eons. Complex gameplay and story. The speech above was one of my most favourite lines during the game, demonstrates the danger of extreme "collectivism" and the general stupidity of the "mob" -otherwise known as the citizens of Galbadia - (they were cheering the whole time, seemingly unaware that they had just been insulted! - it's like "The Emperor's New Clothes" -)

What else? I must look very old. Because I have been referred to as "ma'am" and "po" by tricycle drivers, salesclerks, and the like. It happened again this morning. teh! Not that I am complaining too much, just a random observation. It's a bit funny.

And what's more, I have also been called "Sir" on several occasions. It gets irritating at times. (reminded me of Tilda Swinson's experience - she had been searched in the airport by a male security guard and addressed as "Sir" many times, which she attributes to her not wearing much make-up and presumably not dressing like a "proper lady", not to mention being extra tall). But like Tilda, I have no plans to change anything for their benefit. I'm comfortable this way.

+ Estelio han, Estelio han, Estelio veleth +

Arwen Evenstar Portrait
(as played by Liv Tyler)

By Ayo M.R (moi!)

Ú i vethed nâ i onnad
Si boe ú-dhanna
Ae ú-esteli, esteliach nad
Nâ boe ú i
Estelio han, estelio han, estelio
Estelio han, estelio veleth

"Evenstar" by Howard Shore
(in Sindarin)

Music: "Liberi Fatali" - Nobuo Uematsu - Final Fantasy VIII OST
(via Professor X's PC...tehehehe!)

Feeling very lethargic today.
Woke up at 7:00. And fell asleep again.
I feel like sleeping. That or bashing my head against the computer screen.

I want to go home to Middle Earth. heh. I want vast open fields, unspoilt forests, free environs...every time I read/watch LotR, I get homesick for reasons I can't explain.

WAAAH! I forgot to get my drawing book at Data Exchange!! I have to go and retrieve it tomorrow. (Saturday) *sigh*

The Blessed Nuttiness; That Fine Madness

The creator lives for his work. He needs no other men. His primary goal is within himself. ... The basic need of the creator is independence.

The reasoning mind cannot work under any form of compulsion. It cannot be curbed, sacrificed or subordinated to any consideration whatsoever. It demands total independence in function and in motive. To a creator, all relations with men are secondary.

Howard Roark in The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

Let us remember that only dead fish swim with the stream.

Be Absurd. Be Very Absurd. (tehehehe!)

On Eccentricity. I have long considered myself to be an 'eccentric' person. And a number of people have often described me as such. When I was younger, it really used to bother me. A lot. To the point that I even tried to 'normalize' myself. But I soon found out that denying my natural 'weirdness' made me extremely miserable. Must be the root of my, sort of,chronic depression.

I found myself to be slightly more 'advance' than my peers during elementary & high school. There's this teacher I had in Grade V who made it her hobby to lambast me for NOT being talkative or "friendly" ( I have four or five inner circle friends but most certainly not a FanClub). I used to just sit in a corner and read (or draw) or my fifth favourite activity "people watching". I like observing people, not interacting with them, just observing. And that, according to my dunce of a teacher, is not a "good" thing. Plus, I'm not really all into girly things, sure I played with dolls for a while (not for a very long time- got me bored), but I also like "baril-barilan" and robots. I'm a child of Shaider, Voltes V (re-runs), Ultraman, Magmanan, Masked Rider Black and "Maskuman" (music please - ..."matatag taga-pagtanggol ng inaapi...nahahandang mag-alay ng buhay...ang maskuman tanod ng kapayapaan...dapat nating tularan ang kagitingan, Laser Squadron Maskuman! Maskuman!) There! I still remember the tagalog lyrics of "Ai No Soldier". hehehehe....That's where I found my first kick-ass women idols (I liked Yellow Mask and Princess/Prince Igamu and Ani). Women who refused to be merely "eye-candy". They have spunk, intelligence and independence, and most of all, they couldn't care less about what other people would think. I admire women "warriors", they don't stand behind, but fight alongside men. No damsels-in-distress and not shrinking violets. A Brief List:

• Eowyn, Shieldmaiden of Rohan (The Lord of The Rings)
  
• Xena, Warrior Princess
• Joan of Arc (I liked the portrayal of Joan on Luc Besson's "The Messenger")
• Morgan Le Fey (Arthurian Legends)
• Galadriel (The Lord of the Rings)
• Arwen Evenstar (The Lord of the Rings - more on movie version)
• (Sir) Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing (Hellsing) - oh yes, she's a woman but she's also a Knight.
• Sidney Bristow (Alias)
• Padme Amidala, Leia Organa - both Senators, diplomats and warriors (Star Wars Trilogies)
• Jedi Knights Aayala Secura, Siri Tachi etc.. (Star Wars Trilogies)
• Mara Jade-Skywalker - Emperor's Hand and later accomplished Jedi Knight - (Star Wars Expanded Universe)
• Jane Eyre ("Jane Eyre" by Charlotte Bronte)
• Dr. Aki Ross (Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within)
• B'Elanna Torres, Captain Kathryn Janeway (Star Trek: Voyager)
  
• Jessica Zafra (heh! one of my favourite writers, soon to be dominatrix of the universe!)
  

Anyway, back to my classroom experiences, incidents like that continued to occur during my school years.
And throughout my 20+ years of existence. But I was glad to have met like-minded individuals too. What I appreciated about them was that they never, not once, judged me. We, I would dare say, are proud to be who we are, bittersweet, with lots of nuts. :)

I remembered that line from JRR Tolkien's Lord of the Rings (pertaining to Eowyn) - book version-

“My friend, you had horses, and deeds of arms, and the free fields; but she, born in the body of a maid, had a spirit and courage at least the match of yours......But who knows what she spoke to the darkness, alone, in the bitter watches of the night, when all her life seemed shrinking, and the walls of her bower closing in about her, a hutch to trammel some wild thing in?”
- Gandalf to Eomer

On Creativity and "Treatment":

"I want to keep those sufferings," said expressionist artist Edvard Munch. When told he could end his cycle of psychiatric hospitalizations with available treatment, he replied that emotional torments "are part of me and my art. They are indistinguishable from me, and it would destroy my art." (11). As Jamison points out, many creative people are reluctant to be transformed by psychiatric treatment into "normal, well-adjusted, dampened, and bloodless souls" no longer moved to create.

From Creativity and Irrational Forces: Eccentric Artists and Mad Scientists by Laura Gosselink

Random Stuff I like:

• Paranormal/Mysteries of the Unkown/Human Engineering (Atlantis/Human Experimentation/Human Genetic Engineering/Lost Civilizations/Quantum Physics - especially the nature of time - Time Travel)
• Crime/Horror/Epic Stories
• FrenchFries (severely addicted)
• Exploring "nature Vs. nurture"
• Psychology (various theories of human behaviour are endlessly fascinating)
  
• Sci-Fi
• Videogames (RPGs/Survival-Horror)
• Death (*shrug*) - nature, implications, images
• High Fantasy (you know, Dungeons and Dragons, witches and wizards)
• H.R. Giger/Luis Royo
• Darkness and the Nature of "Evil" (and the grey areas in between)
• Iced Tea (heh!)
• Classical/Rock Music
• Vincent Van Gogh
• Stephen King
• Androgyny (I consider myself psychologically androgynous -and maybe physically too - I'm not a "girly" girl, wait, I have nothing against women/men who like to dress glamourously, I like looking and appreciating them - I just don't like the whole "dressing" up thing. It makes me feel "caged" - the reason I despise the uniform- In short, I like designing clothes, but not wearing them. I find having the characteristics and thinking patterns of both genders very beneficial - especially if you have to write stories.)
• Unusual faces.
• "Sisig", "Paa-ng-Manok" and "Bopis".
• Coffee. (Black. Very Black)
• "Bato" of Balut. (heh!)
• Books
• Star Wars/ Star Trek
• Tori Amos
• Knives/Swords/Guns/Artifacts/stuffed animals -taxidermy-/war masks (I'd like to have a collection when I'm financially capable - heh!)
  

Random Stuff I Don't Like:

• Too much noise.
• "Meaningless" (definition may vary) conversations.
• Sheep masquerading as people (individuals who are not individuals)
• People touching my head or any part of my face (my parents included).This is enough to warrant a fit of rage.
  
• People touching me without my permission (especially people I don't know), gets me extremely irritated. I'm not the huggy type.
  
• Touching and "barrowing" my things (works/collection) without permission. I am very particular with this. Anyone who attemps this will see "Hell".
  
• Tinapa
• The crowding of my "personal space" (which is very wide). That's why I hate crowds. Any place with a high concentration of people (such as concerts, parties and meetings) I try to avoid. Umm..I also do not like sharing the table when eating, if it was possible (just with people I'm comfortable with). Being with a large number of people leaves me feeling "zapped", tired and put out.
  
• Bananas. I abhore bananas.
• Telenovelas/Soap Operas. (I consider them "trash", sorry to say)
• The color pink.
• Overwhelming odours (never had a liking for perfumes and such, irritates my nose).
• Make-up.
  

sketchy thoughts

"So this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause."
Padme Amidala-Skywalker
Revenge of the Sith

My father found my "Panthograph" today! (been looking for it since high school; turned up under the old cabinet) Yey! Although I don't use it very often. Only when drawing two or more figures. I consider it "cheating" to simply trace the figures when drawing a portrait. :)

Decided to re-sketch the Padme-Rasta-Peacock gown. I'm on my 6th sketch! Gets a bit frustrating. But, I'm in a relatively good mood today, so, I think I got it right this time (hopefully). ;) The picture I'm talking about by the way, is a variation of the image above, very tricky shot. And the headress takes a lot of work. Added a "twin suns" background, too.

I bought a chocolate from the canteen today. Bella Chocolate. Horrendous taste! A waste of money.

+ The Principle of Equivalent Exchange +

"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of equivalent exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one and only truth." - Alphonse Elric (Full Metal Alchemist)

Bah! How true!

In connection to the above statement, I have finally acquired the PC memory I've been asking about for about...uh...10 years. :0 But I've lost my Operating System (Win ME), I am now using Ubuntu (Linux For Dinosaurs -and Cave Men-).Bad, Savvy?

Anyway, I didn't go to work yesterday (Monday). I'm "sick". Right. I slept most of the day, and made some sketches (Amidala). It's a habit. I like "sleeping my problems away", for a while, before I seriously start finding solutions. It relieves the stress. Most of the time.

I still have the Ateneo Alumni website to work on. But I've got tons of related problems regarding my OS.

No. Seriously. I don't feel like going to work today. What I want to do, is sleep like Rip Van Winkle (for a hundred years). Hey, I wonder what my parents would do if started dragging my feet?

I'm tired. I feel tired almost all the time. Not to mention being increasingly put out day after day. Sometimes, I get the impression that my brains are coming off the top of my head. It's as if I'm "running on empty." In short, I feel like sh*t. What else? I have a migrane. typical.

I did Amidala (peacock/rasta-stargate gown) yesterday, as I have mentioned earlier. I had to revise the portrait twice, since her face was at a rather tricky angle. As it turned out, third time's a charm. I'm concentrating more on "sub-realism". I want that photographic,"grainy-look" perfected. I'll try to look for bristoll pencils, blending sticks and a larger sketch pad the next time I visit the National Bookstore.

I have worn the dreaded uniform today. Very itchy. Feels like thousand needles pricking the skin. But of course, you can't expect anyone to understand that.

You would think...of all the worst possible...predicaments?

"Not a pretty sight. All in His name."

Music: What music?! I've lost all my mp3 files! (along with my web projects, my other files) Well, not technically, they're still there. But what in tarnation?! They can't be accessed! So what's the use??? Thanks to that #@#$%! Ubuntu System!

This is my first double post. As I am totally pissed! Well, I suppose being 'pissed' would not change anything, eh? I have asked a few online friends for assistance. Maybe Teg or Sarc or Lord Tuvitor could help.

+ Welcome back, Ms. Anderson. We missed you. +

"They're laying it on a bit thick, aren't they?"

Ah. The flippant mood seemed to have passed over. My two previous posts were leaden with an obvious amount of flippancy. As it would seem, I have no other choice but to follow the company procedures (I mean, technically, I do have a choice and that is "shape up or ship out" - but "ship out" isn't exactly what you would call a palatable "choice", is it?

Well, I suppose I could er...resign and work in a factory somewhere. I practically "aced" all the AMCOR tests including the interview (no kidding). There were 60 applicants and only three of us got through. I even trained for day (that was in AMCOR Paranaque), but I could not stand the "factory atmosphere", where people were treated and herded like machines (plus I could not bear the noise during lunch hour and sitting next to an imbecile talking about the latest "kilig" movie *eyes roll*). Places where individuality and free will were killed was something I am sure to loath. So, rather than accepting a job that has obviously higher benefits, in monetary terms (which really I couldn't care for much - the reason I often get lambasted at home - because I'm not a money person), I chose this job as a Web Developer because I think that it's where I would be able to use (and hopefully improve) my 'talents'. Being able to "create" something (no matter how minute) cancels out all other rewards (monetary included), but of course it would be much better if you could have both. :)

Actually, I consider this a "training ground". Perhaps one day (not far from now, as I have several other prospects), I would be able to work at companies like "Lucas Digital" or maybe "Dreamworks" or "Pixar" or "SquareSoft" (specializing mainly in computer graphics/character design - I believe I have the talent and the imagination). That's my ultimate dream, you know. Companies like those have the right atmosphere for people like myself (allowing creatives to dress - none of those coffin-wear formal uniforms - and decorate their "offices"/"cubicles" as they please). Of course to do that I must first leave the Philippines (like rats to a sinking ship :lol:), and that is a near possiblity *winks* I'm working on steadily. You could not imagine the happiness an artist feels when he/she sees his/her creation come to "life" or fruition. Better than anything, really.

So for now, I'm playing their game. ;) I'm having that itchy uniform tailored next week, when I get a cash advance (hopefully), along with repairs to our leaky roof (it's practically flooding in our house everytime it rains).

+ Why, Ms. Anderson? Why? +

Background Music: "See You Space Cowboy" - Mai Yamane
(Cowboy Bebop OST)

Rather dreary weather, making my disposition "dreary" as well.But...no. Not really.

My brother's selling our Playstation 1. I'm going to miss Squall, Quistis, Selphie, Zell, Matron Edea, Zidane...and The Garden, Fisherman's Horizon,Winhill...Lindblum (gets misty eyed).

Finished Arwen Undomiel. I carried the sketch book through the rain. lol. Will have it scanned maybe tomorrow (Friday).

I've had backaches since yesterday....ugh!
And suffering from a generally bad mood. Why? (*shrugs*)

And this is bad compared to the famine in Sudan and Somalia? Or the suicide bombings in Israel and Iraq?
(*cracks up*)

Agent Squirt: Why, Ms. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why not just be another unthinking drone? Why continue asserting your individuality? Why keep resisting? Why be a hard-headed bastard? Excuse the profanity, please.

You must be able to see it, Ms. Anderson. You must know it by now. You can't win. It's pointless to keep resisting. Why, Ms. Anderson? Why? Why do you persist?

Ms. Anderson: I'm a hard-headed bastard? Sorry, wasn't aware. Just got back from Mars. (*cracks up*)

That was from the opening scene of "Attack of the Stepford Employees". (lol - *cracks up*)

+ You have a problem with authority, Ms. Anderson. +

Background Music: "The Battle of the Heroes" by John Williams (RotS OST)
Current Mood: rather "sheep-ish"

Next Attraction: Attack of the Stepford Employees

"We are the Corp. Resistance is Futile."

Received "memo" because of:

• Failure to attend regular monthly meetings.
• Failure to attend weekly flag ceremony.
• Not wearing the prescribed company uniform (gets kinda itchy, you know..). :p

"Subsequent offense will merit appropriate disciplinary action."

So, what's it gonna be then, eh? - Alex DeLarge (A Clockwork Orange)

+The Anti-Hero's Dilemma+

Music: "Kesenai Tsumi" (Indelible Sin) - Nana Kitade
(Full Metal Alchemist)

Just some random thought that has been plaguing my mind since Saturday.

I practically grew up with books, all sorts of books, actually.Comic books feature quite prominently in this particular bit of "recollection". My father used to sell them (along with Time and Newsweek) when I was in elementary (and briefly during my high school years). Anyway, we (my brother & I) would open them (very carefully, and most of the time without my father's permission)before they were sent to subscribers and I would daresay that we learned quite a few things from them (and they are NOT "trash" as some literary snobs would claim).

My most favourite titles include Wolverine (Marvel), The Uncanny X-Men (Marvel), The Amazing Spiderman (Marvel), Avengers (Marvel), Ghost Rider (Marvel), Midnight Sons (series usually featuring Vengeance, The Caretaker, Ghost Rider and a fourth one I cannot remember), X-Force, X-Factor, Cable, Fantastic Four, The Silver Surfer (Marvel), Legends of the Dark Knight (DC), Batman (DC), Superman, Justice League (DC), The Flash (DC) as well as some titles from Dark Horse and Image. Oh, and "Eclipso"...that infinitely psychotic comic about a homicidal spirit from the dark side of the moon, who "possess" a chosen individual to do his decidedly gruesome work (dynamic story and neat artwork too!)

The point was that most western books (and japanese manga) usually feature anti-heroes or "flawed" heroes (in this respect we learned that people are multi-layered and complex, well, at least some people are!*smirk*) This is even more evident in Japanese manga (I believe the Western books followed suit - most of their characters 1960-ish were bland and one-dimensional - I remember watching Captain America and Fantastic Four re-runs on ABC - ugh!). So, how do we "define" anti-heroes? And what makes them so compelling? And why do I prefer them to the "Traditional Hero"?

According to Wikipedia:

In literature and film, an anti-hero is a central or supporting character that has some of the personality flaws traditionally assigned to villains or un-heroic people, but nonetheless also has enough heroic qualities, intentions, or type of strength to gain the sympathy of readers or viewers. Anti-heroes can be awkward, obnoxious, passive, pitiful, obtuse, or even normal; But they are always, in some fundamental way, flawed, unqualified, or failed heroes. Comic books feature anti-heroes (also known as "dark heroes") who are characters fighting for the side of good, but either with some tragic flaw (such as a tormented past), fighting for reasons that are not entirely altruistic (they may fight a villain due to a grudge or some other selfish motivation, with little or no regard for typical "heroic" motives), a non heroic character who is not evil, nor are they good, but find themselves fighting on the side of good due to circumstance, or a hero using questionable means to reach their goals. A good working definition of the anti-hero is a paradoxical character that is, within the context of a story, a hero but in another context could easily be seen as a villain, simply as unlikable, a normal person or coward.

The concept of the anti-hero is as old as literature itself with the main character of the Iliad, Achilles being a strong anti-hero. The presence of anti-heroes has blossomed recently, as there is a tendency of modern authors to present villains as complex, even sympathetic, characters whose motivations are not inherently evil and sometimes even good. The line, therefore, between an anti-hero and a villain is sometimes not clear.

Types

One type of anti-hero feels helpless, distrusts conventional values and is often unable to commit to any ideals, but they accept and often relish their status as outsiders. The cyberpunk genre makes extensive use of this character-type.

Another type of anti-hero is a character who constantly moves from one disappointment in their lives to the next, without end, with only occasional and fleeting successes. But they persist and even attain a form of heroic success by steadfastly never giving up or changing their goals. These characters often keep a deep-seated optimism that one day, they will succeed. But in the end they still meet the ultimate fate of a traditional villain, failure.

A third type of anti-hero is an individual with the same end goals as a traditional hero, but for whom "the ends justify the means." This character type is popular in comic books: for example by day Matt Murdock seeks to bring evil-doers to justice as a lawyer. But when the judicial system fails, he dons a mask and instead exacts revenge as Daredevil.

Examples (my own - although you can find plenty at Wiki):

Film & Television:

• Shinomori Aoshi, Saito Hajime and to a different extent, Himura Kenshin (Rurouni Kenshin)
• Zechs Merquise, Heero Yuy (Mobile War Chronicle Gundam Wing)
• Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs, Red Dragon, Hannibal)
• Angel (Angel Series)
• Prince Igamu (Hikari Sentai Maskman)
• Amuro Ray and to a different extent Char Aznable (MS Gundam)
• Edward Elric, Roy Mustang (Full Metal Alchemist)
• Killua Zaoldyeck, Leorio, Kurapika and to a different extent Lucifer Quoll, Ilumi Zaoldyeck and Hyskoa (HunterXHunter)
• Spike Spiegel, Faye Valentine (Cowboy Bebop)
• Sgt. Todd (Soldier)
• Hellboy (Hellboy)
• John Constantine (Constantine)
• Spawn (Spawn)
• Magneto (X-Men Movies)
• Han Solo and to a different extent, Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader (Star Wars Trilogies)
• Seven-of-Nine and to a different extent, Q (Star Trek)
• Sol Zagato (Magic Knight Rayearth)
• Ashram, the Black Knight and to a different extent Karla, the Grey Witch (The Record of Lodoss War)
• Folken Fanel (Vision of Escaflowne)
• Nathan Algren (The Last Samurai)
• Shinji Ikari and to a different extent, Gendou Ikari (Neon Genesis Evangelion)
• Major Motoko Kusanagi (Ghost In the Shell)
• Fujimiya Aya, Koduo Yoji (Weiss Kreuz)
• Edward Scissorhands
• Riddick (Pitch Black/Chronicles of Riddick)
• Nicholas Wolfwood (Trigun)
• Alucard and to a different extent, Integral Wingates Hellsing (Hellsing)

Literature (assorted):

• Alex (A Clockwork Orange) - Anthony Burgess
• Lestat de Lioncourt (The Vampire Chronicles) - Anne Rice
• Severus Snape (Harry Potter Books) - J.K. Rowling
• The Last Gunslinger (Dark Tower Series) - Stephen King
• Oskar Schindler (Schindler's List) - Thomas Keneally (non-fiction)
• Dracula (Dracula) - Bram Stoker
• Stevens (The Remains of the Day) - Kazuo Ishiguro
• Nakago/Ayuru Gi (Seiran Den) - Watase Yu
• Eric Stahl (A Cold Heart) - Jonathan Kellerman
• Gollum (The Lord of theRings) - J.R.R. Tolkien
• Dan Ketch/Ghost Rider - Ghost Rider Comics (Marvel)
• Frank Castle/The Punisher - The Punisher Comics (Marvel)
• Jean-Paul Valley/Azrael - Azrael, the Avenging Angel Comics (DC)
• John Constantine - Hellblazer Comics (DC Vertigo)

Games:

• Squall Leonhart and to a different extent, Edea Kramer (Final Fantasy VIII)
• Zidane Tribal and to a different extent, Kuja (Final Fantasy IX)
• Vincent Valentine and to a different extent, Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII)
• Kyle Madigan (Parasite Eve II)

+According to...I'm Reserved+

Background Music: "Pet Sematary" by The Ramones

I take Personality Tests once in a while. I'm very interested in psychology and read a lot of Jung and Freud. Although I prefer Jung (especially his "archtypes" theory), Freud gets a bit "irrational". Anyway, I found this at CultureCity.org. Quite interesting.

Your personality type is RCUEI

You are reserved, moderately calm, unstructured, moderately egocentric, and intellectual, and may prefer a city which matches those traits.

The largest representation of your personality type can be found in the these U.S. cities: Reno, Tucson, New Orleans, Norfolk, Austin, Washington DC, Albuquerque/Santa Fe, Portland/Salem, Greenville/Spartanburg, Minneapolis, Denver, St. Louis and these international countries/regions Iceland, Greece, Argentina, Czech Republic, Belgium, Kazakhstan, Poland, Netherlands, Spain, Croatia, Sweden, Slovenia, Norway, Hungary, Indonesia

What Places In The World Match Your Personality?

Here's what they say about the Reserved Personality Type:
- my comments in the "( )" -

• outsider
• does not fit in most places (the square pegs on round holes, anything new?)
• does not mind going days without speaking to people (so very true, as long as I have a good book to read or an artwork to finish, or anything I am "obsessed" with)
• does not like night life and crowds (right, crowds make me dizzy)
• not self expressive (well, yeah... I am aware about how I feel, I just don't see the point in disclosing it to people I don't give a rat's ass about.)
• spends more time in solitary activity than group activity (yeah...er...true)
• does not compete for the spotlight (I'd rather be the "power-behind-the-throne"...much more fun)
• fears getting involved with others
• not seductive (and what, pray tell, would be the point??)
• dresses to avoid standing out
• not impulsive (not true for me, I get very impulsive at times)
• loner
• female introverts tend not to like wearing makeup
• does not enjoy leadership (depends on the type of leadership, I'd rather be the "King-Maker" than the King himself...ever heard of "The Puppet Master"?)
• not very sexual
• more likely to be nerdy (lol)
• prefers loose fitting clothing
• inhibited
• suspicious (eyes dart)
• tattoo averse
• unmotivated (not so for me, you'll never be able to do anything at all...er..)
• can't do anything when they don't feel good (a bit true, I'm very sloppy when depressed, hyper when obssessed)
• has trouble speaking when emotional (yeah, I prefer pulling punches than yelling, although I yell from time to time - very tiring afterwards)
• dislikes compliments (depends on the giver's sincerity)
• desires security and support
• does not like accepting help
• more visual than verbal (so true)
• does not want to be famous (not really, depends on what I'll be famous for)
• likes science fiction (right on! - "reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction." - lol)
• prefers to stick with things they know
• not traditional

Mostly true for me. :)

+ The Un-usual Things +

Background Music: "Evenstar" by Howard Shore

The lyrics to The Ramones' Pet Sematary keeps getting stuck in my head. Especially the chorus, which goes like this: "I don't want to be buried in a pet sematary. I don't want to live my life again." I know I've heard them somewhere. I just couldn't remember where!

I've been sleep-talking again last night. And as usual, I was in a state of "displeasure". My mother said I was talking very rapidly, so it was impossible for her to catch what I was saying. All she knows for sure was that I'm stark-raving mad. Funny thing was I could NOT recall having a dream. Maybe I should keep a tape recorder beside me. Just in case, so I can finally figure out what the hell was I talking about!

Moving on. I have started another project last night. While watching the news (the impeachment complaint was "trashed" etc. - it's getting really tiring. And especially annoying when the politicians would say "ang gusto ng sambayanan..." -what the people want-....as if they really care. What the people WANT was to put food on the table, send their kids to school...not another "EDSA"...what were the elections for anyway?! - maybe I'm being naive...but, the hell. Those were the very same politicians who drive luxury cars and live in gigantic mansions -most of them anyway.)

*Clears throat*. As I have said. I started another project. I had this compulsion to draw something new. In this case, Arwen from The Lord of the Rings. Even though I've got other unfinished drawings. Let's see, my works in progress include:

• John Hartigan (Sin City) as played by Bruce Willis - got the face and half the coat, which is mostly black. The hard part was the background, which consists of raindrops and some buildings. The atmosphere was generally dark, which I love, but unfortunately takes a lot of patience to finish. But I will, look at Nancy Callahan - although I made some adjustments on the background.
• Asuka Langley Sohryou (NGE) - Got the face and half the hair (right side only). Her hair was pretty detailed as my reference picture was Yoshiyuki Sadamoto's (love his drawings to no end). But still the easiest. She's an anime character.
• Anakin Skywalker (RotS) - Will finish this eventually. I'm stalling because the hair (again) was such a pain to draw, as well as the Jedi attire.
• Edward Scissorhands & Kim Bogs - been rotting in my cabinet for a long time. I'm going to re-draw this one. Nothing wrong with it really. I just got bored with it.
• Arwen Undomiel (LotR) - started this last night.Will have to finish this. Really? Really.

So you see, I'm good at starting things -most of the time- but I have to really push myself to finish them, because I get easily bored. I have a cross-stitching project rotting away in my closet for three years now. It's an "Ice Angel". I have also 3 books which I haven't finished reading (and yet I bought another one). Frustrating sometimes. What else? A painting and a comic book project collecting dust in my "warehouse". tsk. tsk.

The antithesis of that was, when I set myself into finishing something, it borders on "obssesion" and it's not good either. I remember last time I set my sights into finishing "Final Fantasy VIII" (PS 1 RPG game) I did not take a bath for um... one and a half weeks (thankfully it's school vacation - otherwise...), I hardly slept, imagine playing until five in the morning (the level-upping was especially addictive), sleeping for maybe 2 hours, waking up then playing again for a WHOLE day (that's how it went for one and a half weeks!) and no eating either (unless I was yelled at). The game was 4 disks long. I spent maybe 300+ hours on it. That's the reason I decided to stay away from Tantra, Khan and Ragnarok. ;)

The same principle applies with when I draw. And well, pretty much anything I decide to do.:)

Just Soundtripping

Nothing special going on really. So technically this post is "senseless". Who says every post must make sense?? Just ask my fellow Phatters. :)

Just soundtripping. This song could be considered as a "Psycopath's Theme". Kind of reminded me of Vicious (Bebop) and HP's Voldemort and every other "villainous bastard" :D. I think the lyrics were great. Although the tune gets a bit repeatitive (not that's a bad thing).

Wut will nicht sterben (Rage Doesn't Want to Die)
- Rammstein

Unofficial Translation ©2003 Jeremy Williams.

Tell me how far you want to go
do you want to see him on the floor - Yes
do you want him to kneel before you
do you want him to beg for mercy

Thoughts of vengeance whipped from humility
you don't see or hear anything
your sick feelings
don't give him a chance
your rage does not want to die
and only that keeps you alive

You can, you want and will never forgive
and you condemn his life
you drift in the insanity from
excessive anger, destruction and vengeance,
you were born to hate

My rage does not want to die
my rage does not want to die
my rage will never die

You ram your hatred like a stone
into him Ramming stone -
you have pursued, hunted, and cursed him
and he has taken his heels, crawling

Was watching "Saving Private Ryan" last night. The first parts (the Dog Beach landing) were riddled with black humour. At one point the medic was shouting "We stopped the bleeding!" but then a bullet zings the wounded soldier on the head, killing him instantly. eh?

But the other parts were deeply unsettling. Especially the "introspective" shots (Tom Hanks' character "taking it in"), soundless, gritty and slow motion. Gets the point across.

I am a Geek??!

Music: "Not Meant For Me" by Static-X
Reading: "Dark Side of the Moon" by Jean Farwiq - it's a fanfiction, but an exceptionally good one.

"...it's plain to see...that you want me to fall...it's killing me...let's see....you've got the gall....the jury is coming...coming to tear me apart...all this bitching and moaning...I'm trapped in this world..that's not meant for me...." - Not Meant For Me (Queen of the Damned OST)

Singing along with The Vampire Lestat last Sunday (with fellow weirdoes - otherwise known as my bestfriends). Our sentiments exactly. ;)

I suddenly remembered. I'm a geek. Eek! You got that feeling. Always off balance with something. Questioning everything. Seeing things you are not "supposed" to see. I've had few chances to meet semi like-minded individuals (my current bestfriends). Sometimes I get annoyed by their occasional shallowness. But that could be tolerated. Our friendship was -is- based on "vibes". That's how I normaly choose friends. If my intuition tells me "this person is worthy" (and it's rarely wrong)...I go for it. But if not, I avoid the person like the plague. Especially if I detect a hint of duplicity. It's the same with them. Most of the time we don't even need to talk, just the "look", and we know what each other was thinking.

Last, last week, sitting with them at "Parasite Eve Alley" (the back of the One-Stop shop), we were discussing whether God created Man or was it the other way around? I'm inclined to believe the latter.

Anyway, just read the "Old Testament" and you'll see how "moody" and "irrational" Yahweh could be. Very evident on Moses' Journey to the Promised Land. *wink*

If God does exist, like the Bible says...we are created in His image...so God must not be the benevolent, loving entity we believe Him to be, not all the time anyway. I think he's got a nasty sense of humour and a liking for irony, too. Another quote from The Green Mile: "if bad things happen, God lets it happen...and when we say, 'I don't understand', God replies, 'I don't care'" and "The Mothman Prophecies" : "you are more advanced than a cockroach, ever tried explaining yourself to one of them?"

The Buddists got their "model" of God right. Instead of two separate entities (one good, one evil), they "merged" the image. One cannot exist without the other. How will you be able to tell what is "good" if you don't know what's "evil"? Can't take the Yin and still have the Yang, can you??

And besides, the world is not divided between good and evil people. That kind of narrow-minded thinking sickens me.

Out for now.

you got 'zinged' and other random thoughts

Background Music: Mein Herz brennt - Rammstein

Trip to SM Lucena

Went to Lucena with two bestfriends last Saturday (Sept. 03). Decided to tag along at the last minute. I wanted to canvas for book prices at National Bookstore. Some books I "marked":

• The Dark Tower Series (Stephen King) - I was ovejoyed and nearly keeled over when I found out that they've got DT III, IV and V. Been looking for them last, last year.
• Neverwhere / American Gods (Neil Gaiman)
• Dracula (Bram Stoker) - I have the PDF version but I want it officially on my collection.
• Blood & Gold / Memnoch the Devil (Anne Rice) - I found them mildly interesting.
• The Da Vinci Code / Angels and Demons (Dan Brown) - very interesting but I'd rather "download" it!

I also convinced my friend Dona to buy "The Green Mile" by Stephen King. Practically "demonized" (our term for relentless persuasion techniques) her into buying it. Speaking of "The Mile". I re-read the end parts last night and couldn't help myself, so I made an impromptu illustration of the last passage (which also happened to be my favourite):

"Sometimes I doze and I see that underpass in the rain, with John Coffey standing beneath it in the shadows. It's never just a trick of the eye in these little dreams; it's always him for sure, my big boy, just standing there and watching.

I think about my Janice, how I lost her. How she ran away red through my fingers in the rain and I wait. We each owe a death, there are no exceptions, I know that. But sometimes, oh God, the green mile is so long."

No pre-sketch. Just plain marker. I was in a frenzy.:D

Rammstein Music

I'm in "love" with their music. They've got it perfectly. A combination of haunting orchestral tunes and raging guitars. And the lyrics...just perfect! None of the annoying sacharrine-sweetness found in most "hit" songs. My most favourite tunes include: "Sonne" (sun), "Ich Will" (I want), "Spieluhr" (Music Box), "Morgenstern" (morning star), "Feur Frei" (Fire at Will!). "Du Hast" (You Have...could also be You Hate) and many others. Their music has an air of "predictable unpredictability". You know, starts soft and haunting, then gets all loud and angsty and back again at unpredictable intervals. Sort of a "schizophrenic" flow...(wahahaha!) What other songs were like that? Ummm... Sa Yuri's "Light and Darkness" and "Garden of Eden" by Bridge (very evident in the chorus), Metallica's "Unforgiven" and "Forsaken" by Disturbed were all I could think of for now as they're at the bottom of my playlist.

You Got Zinged!

I was answering our "Seven Habits" workbook and these particular questions jumped off the page.

What are you unhappy about or frustrated by? For example, do you feel powerless, hopeless, or used? Describe the situation.

Is you language more proactive or reactive?

Powerless? Nope. I actually feel quite powerful in the sense that I can "translate" my thoughts through my art. Hopeless? Not entirely (depends on my depressive cycle). Used? used? Not so. But I don't feel "in heaven" either! But what?!

My language & thought patterns could be described as "slightly on the sarcastic side" (I'm channeling Professor Snape most of the time). I suppose it belongs on the reactive category as you are NOT supposed to "snipe at" and "zing" everyone. But I'm not "zinging" everyone per se. Just the few unfortunate souls who got on my wrong side (these days I just bite my tongue and keep quiet or "edit" my words, because when I speak my mind in it's undiluted form... it usually has some "unpleasant" result). Errrr....that's not right either, I know! (the way this book narrates, you are supposed to come out an angel afterwards...?) But, hey sarcasm is fun. Except for the "target". :)

Describe the situation. It's not a situation really. It's something entirely elusive. It's like groping on thin air. You know it's there but can't identify it. It's everywhere and nowhere; everything and nothing. Hmmm...existential reasons? What existential reasons??! Go ask Van Gogh!

random thoughts

Music: Spieluhr (Music Box) - Rammstein

"Buy Filipino" -

"Tangkilikin ang Sariling Atin". With Filipino food I have no problem doing just that :). About other things like music (especially that), tv shows and films, I'm not too sure.

Music - I don't know. Maybe I need more research, but our current offerings (bands, artists & songs) cannot seem to satisfy. I mean, why listen to songs which you can't relate to?? That's the whole point of listening right??

Most songs are distastefully love-centric (meaning the theme was handled in such an obvious manner). Which as my friend said, "nakaka-pangati na" (meaning = repulsive). Hmmm. The latest I happened to somewhat like were "Stay" by Cueshe (only the tune), "Same Ground" by Kitchie Nadal (her only "saving grace" after that dreadful "hit" of hers) and "Garden of Eden" by Bridge (browsed their site and that's the only one I loved...so far) of Eraserheads, Parokya, Siakol, Rivermaya etc... Especially E-heads. Loved their songs, mostly the not so popular ones. Not necessarily the band. I'm not into collecting posters, attending concerts and stuff like that. Just the songs. That's more than enough.

Anyway, I'm looking for something more than what's currently playing. I'm not exactly sure how to phrase it. More "depth", maybe?? Hmmm...More "brooding" tones and messages. Hey, I'll admit it I'm more of an "angst 'n darkness" person so...hell, I find beauty in the grotesque and light in the darkness (poetic?). Dark Star is to Midnight Sun! Arakkis...Dune... (eyes glaze)....enough!

Back on Earth. I'm looking for the Filipino equivalent of Rammstein (German Metal Band - very haunting tunes - wohohoh!), Black Sabbath, Brorder Daniel, KMFDM, Radiohead etc...it's frustrating that I have to search elsewere (I've recently "discovered" a Polish band - good for my taste)!

But I'm not all into Metal and Rock. I have a pretty eclectic taste. Classical, Jazz, and hell...even Opera-type tunes. A combination's even better! Let me put it this way, Metal & Rock for angsty moods, Classical-ish for more placid ones. The only ones I avoid are the "now that i have found you" , "you're still the one" types (if you get my meaning). Makes my skin crawl.

But of course, I'm quite aware that the Philippine music industry does not exist to satisfy me! :D Too bad?